Sanctuary

My undergraduate psychology thesis is probably the most extensive piece of work I’ve ever put together. It was also my thesis that really pulled me out of my pit of denial I had dug to hide from my social anxiety. You see, I went close to my entire four years of university pretty much without initiating a conversation. I was getting by just fine, despite that. By having no friends or life, I was free to focus on my studies, and I was pumping out straight A’s.

However, when my thesis came along, I found myself completely alone whereas others had support. I had no outside supervisor, and I had no one I could talk to for advice. I could have spoken to some professors, but my anxiety was stopping me. I felt pretty alone, and in a way, I was. I struggled early on. I even started delaying mandatory meetings with the professors who were handling the course, which hurt me in the long run, all because I was scared of them.

So I got my thesis proposal handed in despite the early road bumps. I strayed a bit on the instructions, which seemed like a good idea at the time, because I did what I thought was “better”. This was just before the Christmas break. Unfortunately, immediately after I handed it in, I regretted all the decisions I had made, and my confidence started swaying, which is when things started making sense. Not only was my anxiety preventing me from asking questions and seeking the help I needed with my work, but I had built a wall of false confidence around myself based on my grades - as soon as those grades were threatened, my denial defense faded rather quickly.

Needless to say, it was a long winter break. With my denial about my anxiety really destroyed, I had to face a lot of things about myself. I had no friends, I had no life, and I couldn’t get anywhere in life because of my anxiety, education aside. I really had to start thinking about where I was going to go from there. I started taking tests, and every one I took came back telling me I suffered from extreme anxiety and stress, and that I should definitely seek help. It wasn’t a fun reality to look at.

Eventually, school started up again, and as it turns out, I grabbed a 90% on my proposal - I had worried for nothing. However, the damage had been done to my defense mechanism, and I had to face my anxiety. More and more I started noticing people talking to each other with seemingly no effort at all, and I was jealous. I couldn’t do it, no matter how hard I tried. It was really bad, because these weren’t all people in general - included in the masses were people I really wanted to talk to for the sake of getting to know them. I just couldn’t do it.

Though I’m not particularly proud to say it, I really did get to the point that I didn’t want to wake up every morning because of my issues. I was never actually suicidal, but I really didn’t care about doing anything anymore. I forced myself through my work, and did it well, because I’m just that awesome, but overall, I stopped caring about living in general.

One day, something changed. I became motivated again, for reasons best left unsaid. Though I was still terrified of people, I forced myself to talk to someone. Then, I spoke to someone else. And then someone else. And finally, a fourth person. And it was awkward, mainly due to my inexperience, worries, and just general attitude. I had no idea what I was doing, I was expecting the very worse, but I still did it. They treated me with respect, countering whatever expectations I had. Unfortunately, this was towards the end of the term, so I wasn’t able to followup as much as I would have liked. All in all, out of four years of university, I came out with about two friends - I managed to do that pretty much in the final month of the term, and even then, it took me quite a while after that to feel completely comfortable talking to them.

As for my thesis, I ended up doing well. Luckily, a childhood friend from the United States knew his stats, and helped me out a ton with my final writeup. I ended up with an A as my final, but the delaying of mandatory meetings and just generally being unavailable due to my anxiety prevented it from being a high A. Regardless, my thesis struggles really helped me identify my problem.

Am I better? A bit, but not entirely. I still can’t get a job because of it, which I tend to hide with excuses such as there being nothing available in my field. It still takes me a lot of preparation just to talk to a stranger under normal circumstances, which isn’t at all ideal in settings where you don’t get second chances to try, unlike a classroom. The preparation takes even longer if the stranger happens to be a woman. Talking to a group of strangers is simply out of the question for me.

But I’m working on it. Baby steps! It’s almost been a year since I’ve really started working on things, and I feel like I’ve come a long way. Although it’s simple things that a lot of people take for granted, I still look at them as victories. I still get a bit down once in a while, but never quite as bad as I was in that terrible, but life changing Winter.

I fully expect to beat this thing with time. I won’t let it beat me.

Oh, and just as a small aside: I’ve applied to PhD programs in psychology with the intention of specializing in social anxiety. I got into this field to help people, and I fully intend to. I know what it’s like first hand to go through this, and that, as far as I’m concerned, will be an asset when helping those who need it. Turning the bad into the good!

I spent a long time last night going through numerous tumblr pages, based primarily on social anxiety. It was an eye opening experience. There were so many people, both young and old, having their lives torn apart by this social phobia. Seeing talk of struggles during every day life, especially in college and university, reminded me of my own issues. Talk of despair, hopelessness, suicide, and fear of getting help reminded me of how destructive this could really be. To all of those suffering from this issue, I have this to say:

Don’t give up.

There is hope, for everyone. It may seem like you’re trapped now, and that there’s no way you can escape your predicament, but don’t believe that voice for a second. I know it’s hard to change, and I know it can seem like an impossibility to just gather up the courage to talk to somebody, but I assure you, it’s not impossible - not at all.

Sometimes all it takes is the right person or friend to help you out or at least give you the start you need. Sometimes we need to seek help in the form of a professional. The important thing is that when you finally do find something that can help you, that you approach it with optimism. It’s not an easy process at all, and pessimism will only make it harder.

Fight your preconceived notions about yourself and the people you avoid. That voice that tells you people are judging you, those thoughts that tell you that people want nothing to do with you, those irrational leaps that you make that tell you that people are only going to see your flaws - none of it is justified. It’s easier said than done, but keep on challenging those thoughts. For the most part, people will treat you with the respect you deserve so much. I know how incredibly difficult this is, but if you need to be sure of something, be sure of this: somebody cares, and you’re not alone.

If you need to talk, feel free to contact me using the ask function of this tumblr - we can set up a more appropriate means of communication through that, and I assure you, I will answer you privately. We could talk about anything you want - we don’t need to talk about social anxiety. Sometimes, just having someone to talk to can go a long way.

Never give up on yourself. You may not always believe it, but you’re an important person, and you can give so much to this world. Fight as hard as you possibly can, then fight some more. And most importantly, love yourself. You’re worth it.

The name’s Carl.

I’m not going to go far into detail about my life right away, but there are some essentials that I think I need to share to make this place all it can be. Firstly, I’m twenty four years old, and I live in Canada. I recently received a bachelor’s degree in psychology, with honours; I fully intend on pursuing a PhD now, just awaiting acceptance. I’m a straight A student, and frankly, I’m proud of it. My interest in my field is driven by my intent to help people with severe life issues - I’ll share more on that at a later date.

The most important part of my life, that I really need to talk about if I’m going to turn this page into a place of honesty, is the fact that I suffer on a daily basis from social anxiety. I don’t mean shyness - it’s not the same. I believe I originally developed these issues through elementary school and high school, where bullying was an extremely unpleasant and plentiful part of my life. My issues have stopped me from being all I can be, and I’ve been fighting for the past half year or so to reclaim my life from them. I’m hoping this place will help me continue that fight. This is where I’m going to share my thoughts in their purest forms - no anxiety and no worries. Hopefully people with similar issues will take notice - you’re not alone. Nobody is.

More to come!